If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.