A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
this is what they would have looked like, though
U talkin 2 me?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?