How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?