therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
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After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.