Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My new favorite headline
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for