Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I can fix him.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
sleeping beauty
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here