Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.