[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
shit just got real
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Breaking news:
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.