[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.