He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.