“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
why I oughta
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.