“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
how it started vs how it ended
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m sorry…what?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.