If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.