What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
You Might Also Like
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Camping tip: No.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Just how popey was the pope today?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.