2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.