My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
You Might Also Like
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.