There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
You Might Also Like
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
🍞🦆
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.