[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
im all 3
🙀🙀🙀😹
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Do not levitate over flowers
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.