[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
You Might Also Like
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
me adding lol on a serious message
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.