FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
He just like my cat fr
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane