You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
You Might Also Like
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“i miss shittin on people”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.