THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*