[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?