Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested