A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
decorating my apartment
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Saturday
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date