boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
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Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Chicago sounds lovely.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY