Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Science memes
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!