David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
The future is now.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.