[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I know this now 😂
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.