Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
when someone rings the doorbell
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”