One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
You Might Also Like
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.