My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Nomnomnomnom
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell