2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.