Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Favourite diary entry ever
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Schrödinger’s cookie
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.