People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Meanwhile in Portland…
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.