PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out