[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example