Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”