I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older