My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.