7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals