I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
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Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.