Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one