When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!