CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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Labreador
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you