To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.