All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
They’re called werewolves.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”