Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
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Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Leaving the Barbers like
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.