I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.