If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe